i barfeds in our rink
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
