my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
