i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
