I'm eating all of the evidence.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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