Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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