I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
