Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
