i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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