my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
