I showed him my bush... on skype.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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