Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
