i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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