If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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