i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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