I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
