does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
