I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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