I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
