Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
