Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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