I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
