Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
