Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
