eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
