My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
