Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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