There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize