News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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