be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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