You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
