I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
