Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize