Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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