I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
