i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
