I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
