I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
