just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
