Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
