Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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