alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
