Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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