i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
