so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
