dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
