I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
