Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
