I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Acid is not a monday night drug
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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