I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
