I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Sext me about skeletons
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
