If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize
