Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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