I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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