just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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