I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
