Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
