I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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